Six Words You Should Say Today

Abridged (Swimgym)
Posted on April 16, 2012 by Rachel Macy Stafford
 
Very rarely does one sentence have immediate impact on me.



Very rarely does one sentence change the way I interact with my family.

But this one did. It was not from Henry Thoreau or some renowned child psychologist. It was a comment from kids themselves. And if I’ve learned anything on this “Hands Free” journey, it is that children are the true experts when it comes to “grasping what really matters.”

Here are the words that changed it all:


“… College athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response: ‘I love to watch you play.’”

The life-changing sentence came at the beginning of an article entitled, “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” Although I finished reading the entire piece, my eyes went back and searched for that one particular sentence; the one that said, “I love to watch you play.”

I read it exactly five times. And then I attempted to remember all past verbal interactions I had with my kids at the conclusion of their extracurricular activities.

Upon completion of a swim meet, a music recital, a school musical, or even a Sunday afternoon soccer game, had I ever said, “I like to watch you play”?

I could think of many occasions when I encouraged, guided, complimented, and provided suggestions for improvement. Did that make me a nightmare sports parent? No, but maybe sometimes I said more than was needed.

By nature, I am a wordy person—wordy on phone messages (often getting cut off by that intrusive beep) and wordy in writing (Twitter is not my friend).
 
And although I have never really thought about, I’m pretty sure I’m wordy in my praise, too. I try not to criticize, but when I go into extensive detail about my child’s performance it could be misinterpreted as not being “good enough.”

Could I really just say “I love to watch you play” and leave it at that? And if I did, would my children stand there cluelessly at the next sporting event or musical performance because I had failed to provide all the “extra details” the time before?

Well, I would soon find out. As luck would have it, my 8 year old had a swim meet the day after I read the article.

Her first event was the 25 yard freestyle. At the sound of the buzzer, my daughter exploded off the blocks and effortlessly streamlined beneath the water for an unimaginable amount of time. Her sturdy arms, acting as propellers, emerged from the water driving her body forward at lightning speed. She hadn’t even made it halfway down the lane when I reached up to wipe away one small tear that formed in the corner of my eye.

Since my oldest daughter began swimming competitively two years ago, I have ALWAYS had this same reaction to her first strokes in the first heat. I cry and turn away so no one sees my blubbering reaction.

I cry not because she’s going to come in first. I cry not because she’s a future Olympian or scholarship recipient. I cry because she’s healthy; she’s strong; she’s capable. And I cry because I love to watch her swim.

Oh my. Those six words …

I love to watch her swim.

I had always FELT that way—tearing up at every meet, but I hadn’t said it in so many words … or should I say, in so few words.

After the meet, my daughter and I stood in the locker room together, just the two of us. I wrapped a warm, dry towel around her shivering shoulders. And then I looked into her eyes and said, “I love to watch you swim. You glide so gracefully; you amaze me. I just love to watch you swim.”

Okay, so it wasn’t quite six words, but it was a huge reduction in what I normally would have said. And there was a reaction—a new reaction to my end of the meet “pep talk.”

My daughter slowly leaned into me, resting her damp head against my chest for several seconds, and expelled a heavy sigh. And in doing so, I swear I could read her mind:

The pressure’s off. She just loves to watch me swim; that is all.

I knew I was onto something.

Several days later, my 5 year old daughter had ukulele practice. It was a big day for her. The colored dots that lined the neck of her instrument since she started playing almost two years ago, were going to be removed. Her instructor believed she was ready to play without the aid of the stickers.

After removing the small blue, yellow, and red circles, her instructor asked her to play the song she has been working on for months, Taylor Swift’s “Ours.”

With no hesitation, my daughter began strumming and singing. I watched as her fingers adeptly found their homes—no need for colorful stickers to guide them.

With a confident smile, my daughter belted out her favorite line, “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind; people throw rocks at things that shine …”

As her small, agile fingers maneuvered the strings with ease, I had to look away. My vision became blurred by the tears that formed. In fact, this emotional reaction happens every time she gets to that line of the song. Every. Single. Time.

I cry not because she has perfect pitch. I cry not because she is a country music star in the making. I cry because she is happy; she has a voice; and she is free. And I cry because I love to watch her play.

I’ll be damned if I hadn’t told her this in so many words … or rather, in so few words.

My child and I exited the room upon the completion of her lesson. As we walked down the empty hallway, I knew what needed to be said.

I bent down, looking straight into the blue eyes sheltered behind pink spectacles and said, “I love to watch you play your ukulele. I love to hear you sing.”

It went against my grain to not elaborate, but I said nothing about the dots, nothing about the notes, and nothing about her pitch. This was a time to simply leave it at that.

My child’s face broke into her most glorious smile—the one that causes her eyes to scrunch up and become little slices of joy. And then she did something I didn’t expect. She threw herself against me, wrapped her arms tightly around my neck, and whispered, “Thank you, Mama.”

And in doing so, I swear I could read her mind:
 
The pressure’s off. She loves to hear me play; that is all.

Given the overwhelmingly positive reactions of my daughters when presented with the short and sweet “I love to watch you play” remark, I knew I had a new mantra. Not that I would say it like a robot upon command or without reason, but I would say it when I FELT it—when tears come unexpectedly to my eyes or when suddenly I look down and see goosebumps on my arms.

I now know how important it is to say it—say it simply—in moments when I feel that heart palpitating kind of love that comes solely from watching another human being who I adore.

Now at this point, I could wrap up this story with a nice, tidy, Kleenex-required ending, but living “Hands Free” means taking it a step further, going outside the comfort zone.

And it struck me that there is one other person to which this new mantra could apply. It hit me when this person, donned with white bandage on his arm from giving blood, was hoisting a large trashbag as we cleaned the art room at a center for residents with autism.

I watched him, my husband, from the corner of the room where I was dusting shelves with my youngest child. Embarrassingly, I had to turn away so no one saw me tear up. In that moment, I reflected on other recent events where I had been going about my business and had to stop to take pause. Moments when I stopped to watch my husband in action simply to admire the loving person, the devoted husband, and caring father he is.

But had I ever told him in so few words?

It was time.

And since writing is much easier for me than speaking, I wrote my observations down. There were no long-winded paragraphs or flowery descriptions, just words of love, plain and simple:

I love watching you help our daughter learn to roller skate. I love watching you teach her how to throw the football. I love watching you help your employees in times of need or uncertainty. I love watching you interact with your brother and sister. I love watching you read side by side with our daughters. I love watching you laugh. I love watching you love our family.

I typed up his note and plan to give it to him when we have a quiet moment together this weekend. I don’t know what his reaction will be, but it doesn’t matter. I feel these things, so I should say these things.

When simply watching someone makes your heart feel as if it could explode right out of your chest, you really should let that person know.

It is as simple and lovely as that.

Instilling The Qualities In Overcoming Adversity

Taken From: Instilling the Qualities in Overcoming Adversity

Written By: BJ Foster

Posted On: http://www.allprodad.com/articles/more-great-articles/instilling-the-qualities-in-overcoming-adversity/

These 7 characteristics are commonly found in people that have overcome tremendous adversity. It is important to instill these in our children to prepare them to triumph when trouble rears its head.

A Powerful Inner Drive.

I don’t know if this can actually be instilled, but rather found. This comes from passion. Everyone has something that lights their fire. Help your kids find what gets them excited and encourage those desires.

Faith and Hope.

Model a spirit of optimism and confidence in their future. They are going do what you do. Teach them the beauty of things not coming easily and the opportunity that comes in challenging times. Praise them when they overcome difficulty no matter how small.

Ability to Visualize the Goal.

Teach them to keep their eyes on the prize. They need to learn how to picture the end goal. This takes a level of focus and creativity. Help develop those skills in your child.

Resilience and Tolerance of Pain.

Endurance for pain is built through experience. Don’t shield them from life’s difficulties. Instead, help them respond well when difficulties come.

Lack of Self Pity.

Having self-pity will make it difficult for them to accept the situation and move forward. Balance the amount of attention you give when they experience pain. Choose times where you back off and let them work through the situation. Pay close attention to when they are overly dramatic and give them proper perspective.

Self-Discipline.

Teach them how to delay their gratification. Gauge their present ability with the marshmallow test. Make them earn money by doing chores. Give your kids daily responsibilities to manage.

Commitment.

Teach them to keep their promises and hold them accountable when they don’t. Help them weigh through the consequences when they are contemplating quitting.

On Praising Your Children

Posted at: http://www.usaswimming.org/ViewNewsArticle.aspx?TabId=2208&itemid=3978&mid=11881

Posted on: 9/15/2012

How often do you think about the amount of and type of praise you offer your child?  The wrong kind of praise, or praise used too frequently or infrequently can cause difficulties.  Sometimes we think that it is not possible to over praise a child because constant praise will build a child's self esteem.  However, there is a real world for the child outside of the home and a child's peers may not always be as praise giving as his or her parents.  Other children are usually quite truthful and blunt about the feats of their peers.  A child constantly praised at home may feel himself placed on a pedestal only to be knocked off outside the home.   

In a article in "Parents Magazine", educational consultant Fredelle Maynard listed the dos and don'ts of praise.  First the don'ts:

• Don't praise by comparison ("You're the best athlete on the team").  It may encourage unnecessary competition or fear of failing next time.
• Don't praise constantly.  If everything a child does is terrific, wonderful, the best, you will run out of superlatives and the child will become blase about applause.
• Don't praise indiscriminately.  Children who are veteran competitors know when a performance is good or bad.  Parental ecstasies over mediocre performance can either make children cynical or cause them to feel like frauds.
• Don't praise so extravagantly that children feel pressure to go on shining.  Over enthusiastic applause destroys a good motive for activity (to please oneself) and substitutes a poor one (to please parents).
• Don't use sarcastic or "backhanded" praise.  "Well, you did all flip turns for a change."  "You didn’t false start. I can't believe it."

The best praise to use is encouragement.  Encouragement helps build a child's confidence and autonomy while praise can be more manipulative, emphasizing what the adult wants. 

Encouragement allows kid to "own" their accomplishments and to find within themselves the strength and desire to do their best.  The following are Maynard's dos:

• Do be specific.  Instead of using words that evaluate ("What a great race"), describe in concrete terms what you see:  "You kept your technique during that race.”
• Do describe the behavior and its consequences.  For example, "Thanks for getting dressed and out of the locker room so quickly.  Now we have more time to go shopping for the new equipment you need."
• Do focus on the child's effort, not the product.  "You practiced hard for this meet and it really paid off."
• Do point out how your child has progressed.  "You couldn't have done that last year!"
• Do give control back to the child.  Let the child do the evaluating.  Rather than say, "I'm so proud of you," say, "You must feel so proud of yourself.”  Instead of "I like the way you helped that relay," try, "You were able to help that relay."

Adapted from “News for Swim Parents.”  Published by the American Swimming Coaches Association. Used with permission.

HOW SIGNIFICANT IS LONG COURSE COMPETITION TO ATHLETE SUCCESS?

POSTED 7/1/2013 ON WWW.USASWIMMING.ORG
BY DAN MCCARTHY//HIGH PERFORMANCE CONSULTANT
 
Many programs across the United States have regularly placed athletes on the National Team and the National Junior Team despite having little or no access to long course training facilities for most of or all of the year. Unlimited access to long course training does not seem to be a significant hurdle to national-level success. However, is the number of events an athlete races long course important for success? In other words, do athletes who race long course the most have an advantage over those who race less long course?

We randomly investigated 12 events from the 2012 US Olympic Trials. For the women, we looked at the Final heat of the 50 Free, 100 Free, 100 Back, 100 Breast, 100 Fly and 400 IM. For the men, we looked at the Final heat of the 50 Free, 400 Free 100 Back, 100 Breast, 100 Fly and 200 Fly. The number of times each athlete swam the event long course between January 1, 2010 and June 24, 2012 was counted and the average number of races was determined for each event.

There were many variables between the events making it hard to compare the results to each other. For example, on average the men in the 100 back final swam the event almost 38 times each, but the women in the 400 IM only swam their race about 17 times each. Instead, we looked at what athletes swam their event the most and the least and if they finished in the top four or the bottom four of the final race. Additionally, we also looked at those who earned an Olympic spot on the team and how often they were an athlete that swam the event the most or the least.

• In 10 of the 12 events, the athlete who swam the most races finished in the top four of finals
• In 8 of the 12 events, the athlete who swam the fewest races finished in the bottom four of finals
• In 10 of the 12 events, the athlete who swam the most races earned a spot on the US Olympic Team
• In 3 of the 12 events, the athlete that swam the fewest races earned a spot on the US Olympic Team

It is interesting to note the three athletes who swam the fewest races during the investigated time period and made the team were very experienced National Team athletes: Allison Schmitt in the 100 Free, Anthony Ervin in the 50 Free and Brendan Hansen in the 100 Breast. There does not appear to be any advantage to having swam fewer races and having no experience.

It will be interesting to see if the trend of swimming a specific race more often continues to suggest a more successful outcome at the Olympic Trials. Some of the additional tangents we will look at:

• How did finalists compare to semi-finalists, or those who finished ninth through sixteenth?
• How did collegiate athletes fare compared to the professional and high school athletes?
• How explainable are the instances when an athlete with the fewest swims makes the US Olympic Team? 
• Do those athletes share anything in common?

Nine Ways to Be a Great Team Member

By Jon Gordon, Author, Motivational Speaker
www.usaswimming.org

While watching the Oscars I noticed that almost every award winner said they couldn’t have done it without their team, family, and the support of others. The fact is no one achieves success alone. We all need a great team to accomplish great things. We are at our best when we are surrounded by those who want the best for us and when we are bringing out the best in others. In this spirit I want to share 9 ways to be a great team member.

1. Set the Example – Instead of worrying about the lack of performance, productivity and commitment of others you simply decide to set the example and show your team members what hard work, passion and commitment looks like. Focus on being your best every day. When you do this you’ll raise the standards and performance of everyone around you.

2. Use Your Strengths to Help the Team – The most powerful way you can contribute to your team is to use your gifts and talents to contribute to the team’s vision and goals. Without your effort, focus, talent and growth the team won’t accomplish its mission. This means you have an obligation to improve so you can improve your team. You are meant to develop your strengths to make a stronger team. Be selfish by developing you and unselfish by making sure your strengths serve the team.

3. Share Positive Contagious Energy – Research shows emotions are contagious and each day you are infecting your team with either positive energy or negative energy. You can be a germ or a big dose a Vitamin C. When you share positive energy you infectiously enhance the mood, morale and performance of your team. Remember, negativity is toxic. Energy Vampires sabotage teams and complaining is like vomiting. Afterwards you feel better but everyone around you feels sick.

4. Know and Live the Magic Ratio – High performing teams have more positive interactions than negative interactions. 3:1 is the ratio to remember. Teams that experience interactions at a ratio equal or greater than 3:1 are more productive and higher performing than those with a ratio of less than 3:1. Teams that have a ratio of 2:1, 1:1 or more negative interactions than positive interactions become stagnant and unproductive. This means you can be a great team member by being a 3 to 1’er. Create more positive interactions. Praise more. Encourage more. Appreciate more. Smile more. High-five more. Recognize more. Energize more. Read more about this at www.FeedthePositiveDog.com

5. Put the Team First – Great team players always put the team first. They work hard for the team. They develop themselves for the team. They serve the team. Their motto is whatever it takes to make the team better. They don’t take credit. They give credit to the team. To be a great team member your ego must be subservient to the mission and purpose of the team. It’s a challenge to keep our ego in check. It’s something most of us struggle with because we have our own goals and desires. But if we monitor our ego and put the team first we’ll make the team better and our servant approach will make us better.

6. Build Relationships – Relationships are the foundation upon which winning teams are built and great team members take the time to connect, communicate and care to build strong bonds and relationships with all their team members. You can be the smartest person in the room but if you don’t connect with others you will fail as a team member. (Tweet This) It’s important to take the time to get to know your team members. Listen to them. Eat with them. Learn about them. Know what inspires them and show them you care about them.

7. Trust and Be Trusted - You can’t have a strong team without strong relationships. And you can’t have strong relationships without trust. Great team members trust their teammates and most of all their team members trust them. Trust is earned through integrity, consistency, honesty, transparency, vulnerability and dependability. If you can’t be trusted you can’t be a great team member. Trust is everything.

8. Hold Them Accountable – Sometimes our team members fall short of the team’s expectations. Sometimes they make mistakes. Sometimes they need a little tough love. Great team members hold each other accountable. They push, challenge and stretch each other to be their best. Don’t be afraid to hold your team members accountable. But remember to be effective you must built trust and a relationship with your team members. If they know you care about them, they will allow you to challenge them and hold them accountable. Tough love works when love comes first. Love tough.

9. Be Humble - Great team members are humble. They are willing to learn, improve and get better. They are open to their team member’s feedback and suggestions and don’t let their ego get in the way of their growth or the team’s growth. I learned the power of being humble in my marriage. My wife had some criticism for me one day and instead of being defensive and prideful, I simply said, "Make me better. I’m open. Tell me how I can improve." Saying this diffused the tension and the conversation was a game changer. If we’re not humble we won’t allow ourselves to be held accountable. We won’t grow. We won’t build strong relationships and we won’t put the team first. There’s tremendous power in humility that makes us and our team better.

In addition here are a few of my favorite sayings about being a great team member.

Your team doesn’t care if you are a superstar. They care if you are a super team member. (Tweet)

You have to work as hard to be a great teammate as you to do be a great player. (Tweet)

Many teams communicate but the great ones connect. Great teams form bonds of trust that strengthen relationships and the team. (Tweet)

What did I miss? What would you add to this list? I value your input and suggestions. Share your suggestions for being a great team member by leaving a comment below, or on Facebook, or Twitter.

-Jon Gordon ® Jon Gordon 2013

When to let learners struggle

By: Annie Murphy Paul
http://anniemurphypaul.com/2014/02/when-and-how-to-let-learners-struggle/ 
Posted: Monday, February 24th 2014

“Let them eat cake,” said Marie Antoinette. Should teachers, parents, and managers say of the learners in their charge, “Let them struggle”?

Allowing learners to struggle will actually help them learn better, according to research on “productive failure” conducted by Manu Kapur, a researcher at the Learning Sciences Lab at the National Institute of Education of Singapore. Kapur’s investigations find that while the model adopted by many teachers and employers when introducing others to new knowledge—providing lots of structure and guidance early on, until the students or workers show that they can do it on their own—makes intuitive sense, it’s not the best way to promote learning. Rather, it’s better to let neophytes wrestle with the material on their own for a while, refraining from giving them any assistance at the start.

In a recent study published in the Journal of the Learning Sciences, Kapur and a co-author, Katerine Bielaczyc, applied the principle of productive failure to mathematical problem solving in three schools in Singapore. With one group of students, the teacher provided intensive “scaffolding”—instructional support—and feedback. With the teacher’s help, these pupils were able to find the answers to their set of problems.

Meanwhile, a second group was directed to solve the same problems by collaborating with one another, absent any prompts from their instructor. These students weren’t able to complete the problems correctly. But in the course of trying to do so, they generated a lot of ideas about the nature of the problems and about what potential solutions would look like. And when the two groups were tested on what they’d learned, the second group “significantly outperformed” the first.

The struggles of the second group have what Kapur calls a “hidden efficacy”: they lead people to understand the deep structure of problems, not simply their correct solutions. When these students encounter a new problem of the same type on a test, they’re able to transfer the knowledge they’ve gathered more effectively than those who were the passive recipients of someone else’s expertise.

In the real world, problems rarely come neatly packaged, so being able to discern their deep structure is key. But, Kapur notes, none of us like to fail, no matter how often Silicon Valley entrepreneurs praise the salutary effects of an idea that flops or a start-up that crashes and burns. So, he says, we need to “design for productive failure” by intentionally managing the way learners fail.

Kapur has identified three conditions that promote a beneficial struggle. First, choose problems to work on that “challenge but do not frustrate.” Second, provide learners with opportunities to explain and elaborate on what they’re doing. Third, give learners the chance to compare and contrast good and bad solutions to the problems.

By allowing learners to experience the discomfort of struggle first, and the triumph of understanding second, we can ensure that they have their cake and eat it, too.

D is for Dedication

This excerpt is taken from: D is for Dedication 
By: Aimee C. Kimball, PhD

www.usaswimming.org/ViewMiscArticle.aspx?TabId=1555&Alias=Rainbow&Lang=en-US&mid=9332&ItemId=4461

Knowing how to be fully dedicated to something is a very important life skill to have. If you don’t ever learn what it means to give 100%, how will you know if you can be successful outside of swimming? There are many reasons why athletes do not fully commit to their sport, some are completely understandable (involvement in other activities) while others need to be overcome (laziness, don’t want to make the sacrifices). Some athletes are at a stage where they just swim for fun rather than the competition, so giving 100% to swimming isn’t important to them. Whatever your current reason for not being fully dedicated, make sure you are still maximizing your commitment level given varying priorities. What I mean is, if you sign up for a swim team, know what is required and maintain that commitment. If you are not willing to put forth the effort that the team requires, there might be a better team for you because you are likely to end up unhappy if you are on a highly-competitive team but you aren’t a highly competitive person. If you find a team that matches your motivation, you will most likely enjoy the sport more and be able to match your dedication level to that of your teammates. I caution you not to sell yourself short though. Some people don’t want to be on a competitive team because they don’t believe the “extreme” swimmers can have any fun. However, the majority of people who give 100% love the sport and find most of it enjoyable. They find the fun in knowing they are getting better, pride in the hard work they put in and excitement in beating someone new or in getting a PR in a race.

Levels of Dedication

§  No Dedication: Showing up at practice when I feel like it.

§  Minimum Dedication: Showing up to mandatory practices.

§  Moderate Dedication: Working hard at mandatory practices and some optional practices.

§  High Dedication: Working hard at all available practices and doing a little bit extra outside of the pool

§  Total Dedication: Working hard at all available practices and doing everything you can outside of the pool (mental training, nutrition, strength/flexibility training…)

If right now you are moderately dedicated to your sport but really want to become a better swimmer, you do not have to totally dedicate yourself to swimming and make your life revolve around it. In order to see some improvement, you just have to do a little bit more than you are now. Maybe you don’t have time for extra training, but you may be able to read the latest articles in Splash magazine or watch an instructional video on YouTube . To become the best swimmer you can be and to truly reach your potential, you do need higher levels of dedication, which include out-of-pool activities. Ultimately, you have to choose your own dedication level, which should be based on your ultimate goals and willingness to make sacrifices. Olympic dreams require more than moderate dedication, while participating on a high school team may not. It’s up to you whether you want to see how good you can be, but your potential in the pool can only be met through consistent dedication. Dedicating yourself to a sport is about working to accomplish something and putting in the effort necessary to meet the challenge. It is much more disappointing to finish a race with a less-than-ideal time and think to yourself, “If only I did a little more” than to finish and say “I gave it all I had.”

Dedication Decoded

Someone once told me that “Dedication is when you are bent over, drenched in sweat, just about to pass out, and then you smile.” I think there’s some truth in the idea that dedication is about pushing your limits and still enjoying the process. If you can get yourself and your team to do that, you know they have the dedication necessary to succeed.                     

Make it Great!

7 Strategies to Help Your Athlete Be More Confident

By: Dr. Patrick J. Cohn

From: www.coloradoavalanchecares.com/columns/parenting/7-ways-to-help-your-athlete-play-with-more-confidence/ 

In this helpful article for youth sports parents, Dr. Patrick J. Cohn, a leading youth sports psychology expert, discusses 7 steps parents can take to help their child perform with more confidence.

7 Steps to Helping Your Athlete Play with More Confidence - Hockey competition can be both mentally and physically challenging for young athletes. Kids may feel nervous, unsettled, or feel more pressure to play their best. Young athletes may experience excitement or nervous jitters before and during competition. Athletes who feel jitters are the players who may under perform.

Some young athletes may have a fear of embarrassment or fear of making mistakes. Some athletes make comparisons with other athletes, which is not always healthy for kids' confidence. Some young hockey players are worried about impressing a coach or parent. Some athletes are held back because they lack confidence and have doubts. Other athletes may try to perform perfectly and tie themselves up in knots doing so.

Below are seven mental game tips to help sports kids perform their best in competition:

1. Let Go of Fear

In sports, most of the fear athletes experience to is not about being in danger or harming themselves physically, although in some sports like hockey, you can be physically injured. The fear I am talking about is a psychological threat that is often based on an athlete's perception of the importance of a performance or game and what others think about his or her performance.

Most of the time, an athlete's fear is worry related to poor results - whether prior to or during a performance. Athletes often fear the negative consequences of their performance. They worry about many things that are often not under their control.

The very first step is to identify the beliefs, attitudes, and expectations that cause your athletes to hold onto over-exactness in competition and lead to fear of failure. You want your athletes to keep the positive aspects of their mental game such as your motivation and commitment to sport.

However, maintaining beliefs or attitudes that support a fearful, cautious, or over-seriousness attitude when performing does not allow kids perform their best. Thoughts such as "I must be perfect if I want to make the team today" or "I must analyze my mistakes and fix them right away so I don't make the same mistake" cause kids to play tentatively.

2. Play Freely instead of Holding Back

During mental toughness training, I teach my students about two mindsets that contribute to success in sports. The first is the training or practice mindset. Great athletes know the value of training. They strive to get better and to improve. They have a tremendous amount of motivation and work ethic, which help them to practice hard so they can master their skills.

The trusting or performance mindset is equally important for success in sports. Trust is the ability to let skills "happ

Some young athletes may have a fear of embarrassment or fear of making mistakes. Some athletes make comparisons with other athletes, which is not always healthy for kids' confidence. Some young hockey players are worried about impressing a coach or parent. Some athletes are held back because they lack confidence and have doubts. Other athletes may try to perform perfectly and tie themselves up in knots doing so.

Below are seven mental game tips to help sports kids perform their best in competition:

1. Let Go of Fear

In sports, most of the fear athletes experience to is not about being in danger or harming themselves physically, although in some sports like hockey, you can be physically injured. The fear I am talking about is a psychological threat that is often based on an athlete's perception of the importance of a performance or game and what others think about his or her performance.

Most of the time, an athlete's fear is worry related to poor results - whether prior to or during a performance. Athletes often fear the negative consequences of their performance. They worry about many things that are often not under their control.

The very first step is to identify the beliefs, attitudes, and expectations that cause your athletes to hold onto over-exactness in competition and lead to fear of failure. You want your athletes to keep the positive aspects of their mental game such as your motivation and commitment to sport.

However, maintaining beliefs or attitudes that support a fearful, cautious, or over-seriousness attitude when performing does not allow kids perform their best. Thoughts such as "I must be perfect if I want to make the team today" or "I must analyze my mistakes and fix them right away so I don't make the same mistake" cause kids to play tentatively.

2. Play Freely instead of Holding Back

During mental toughness training, I teach my students about two mindsets that contribute to success in sports. The first is the training or practice mindset. Great athletes know the value of training. They strive to get better and to improve. They have a tremendous amount of motivation and work ethic, which help them to practice hard so they can master their skills.

The trusting or performance mindset is equally important for success in sports. Trust is the ability to let skills "happen" instinctively by relying on practice instead of consciously directing movements. The performance mindset is the ability to rely on practice, perform freely, and allow skills to flow without excess thought.

The bottom line... If your athletes are stuck in the practice mentality when they compete, they will limit their ability to perform their best because of too much analysis, trying too hard to be perfect, and a loss of trust.

3. Focus on Self not Others - Make No Comparisons.

Your athletes must start with the understanding that most intimidation in sports is self-induced. Yes, other athletes will sometimes use direct intimidation or play head games with your athletes, but they can make the choice to not pay attention and look the other way.

However, your athletes can't "look the other way" when they are their own worst enemy because they are intimidated by their own thoughts about the level of the competition, the rink conditions, or the venue. Athletes who lack confidence often look for others to help them feel confident. Likewise, these same athletes intimidate themselves by paying too much attention to other hockey players or by putting other hockey players on a pedestal.

Most self-induced intimidation comes from your athletes giving too much energy to other competitors by making comparisons, thinking too much about the reputation of their competitors, or feeling like they do not belong at the current level of play.

Tips for helping your athlete overcome self-intimidation:

• Help your athletes avoid putting other athletes on a pedestal, as if they are better than your athletes or superior.


• Help your athlete stop making comparisons to athletes who they think are better.


• Help your athletes focus on their strengths instead thinking about the reputation of other competitors and how they stack up.


• Help your athletes see themselves on equal ground in terms of their ability.

4. Play for Yourself, not Others.

Social approval is an important phenomenon in my discussions with athletes that I coach. Many athletes rely too much on social approval to boost their own levels of self-worth. Some athletes think that if others respect their sports performance, this, for some reason, will make them a better person. Many athletes buy into this notion and think that they are better people if they can achieve acknowledgment, gain approval or respect from others through sports.

For many athletes, a huge source of worry about their performance results from the need to seek "social approval" from others. If this is your athlete, they might have a need to be admired, accepted, respected, or liked by other people. They worry about performing poorly because it may have an influence on what others might think about them.

Thus, athletes who want approval from others can become anxious or are afraid to fail in competition. The need for social approval is the root of fear of failure. But this story gets even better. What happens when your athletes want approval, but can't get it? Does this affect how they feel about themselves as people? For most of my students, yes! Athletes want approval from others so they can feel better about themselves!

Tips to Stop Worrying What Others Think

• Help your athletes understand why they value (sometimes too much) others' opinions. Help your athletes have self-respect not other-based respect.


• Help your athletes stop the mind reading or thinking too much about what others might think.


• Help your athletes know who they are on the inside. They should define who the person is first - called self-concept.


• Help your athletes separate self-esteem and performance. Too often, athletes judge themselves on their performance in sports.

5. Play Functionally - Don't try to be Perfect.

An important lesson I teach my students is to learn how to perform efficiently instead of perfectly. I call this a "functional mindset."

A functional mindset is the opposite of trying to make everything perfect. It starts with the idea that your athletes DO NOT have to be perfect to perform their best. They are human and humans can't be perfect. Your athletes will make mistakes and you and your athletes have to accept mistakes. Tennis coach to professional players, Brad Gilbert, calls the functional mindset "winning ugly," which he wrote a book about.

Tips for how to play functionally:

• Have your kids use the warm up to get a "feel" for their performance. Don't have them practice their game to control it. Remind them not judge the quality of their technique or performance in the warm up. If your athletes miss a couple of shots, tell them not to fret over it.


• Your athletes should let go of the need to control their performance and let it happen.


• Have your athletes think "win ugly." Use whatever works to help them get the job done in tryouts. For example, instead of needing to execute a play exactly from the playbook, be happy with a play that worked well, but maybe was not "textbook" execution.


• Help your athletes use what's working. Stick to what parts of your athletes game are working well.

6. Be Confident.

My definition of self-confidence is how firmly athletes believe in their ability to execute a physical skill or perform a task. That's right--confidence is how strongly an athlete believes in his ability to execute a play. Confidence is derived from a baseline assessment of past performances, training, and preparation. As your athletes' competency or skill mastery grows, their confidence becomes proportionately stronger.

I think of confidence as a cure-all for what ails athletes' mental game. If athletes have high self-confidence, it's very hard to get anxious or tense, or worry about results because they already know that they will perform well. With high confidence, they don't fret about the competition. With confidence, they are relaxed and focused on the correct performance cues. Do you get my point?

Doubt is the number one killer to a confident mindset. Pessimistic, perfectionistic and over-motivated athletes tend to hold on tight to doubts, which if unchecked can ruin an athlete's mindset and derail performance. Some athletes start doubting before they even start the competition or make an error. Most athletes struggle with doubt after making a mistake or performing poorly in competition. When they let doubt run rampant and unchecked, it sabotages confidence.

However, athletes who can recognize doubt and turn it into statements of confidence can counter the negative influence that doubt may have over them. The first step in overcoming doubt is to become aware of the thoughts that deteriorate confidence. The next step is to counter the doubts with thoughts that will lead to better outcomes.

7. Focus on the Process, not Results.

Your athletes have the unique ability to selectively attend to what they want. This mental skill comes in handy when they perform, but only if they focus on the right performance cues. Your athletes objective is to focus their attention on performance "cues" which help them perform their best. A performance cue is any thought, feeling, or image that helps you execute. A hockey player might feel his wrist flick on the shot.

Understanding what is not relevant is an important step in helping your athletes improve focus by understanding their distraction. Many of the athletes I work with tend to overload their brains with too much information - more than they can handle at one time. Information overload or having misleading information sends mixed signals to the body. In this indecisive state, the body will not execute with the desired outcome or rhythm.

Once your athletes define performance cues and can clearly recognize non-relevant cues or distractions, they are now in a better position to become fully immersed into their performance - an important quality of being in the zone or gaining a zone focus. Unimportant cues or distractions might be thinking about missing a previous shot or what the coach might do if you lose the puck.

Learning any new skill takes time. It does not matter if your athletes are learning physical skills or mental skills, repetition and application is necessary to make it part of everyday practice and performance. Helping your athletes commit to improving their mental toughness over time, (even when your athletes are performing well), will lead to a consistent mental game and performance in any situation including tryouts.

Editor's Note: Special thanks to Dr. Patrick Cohn for the above article.

Written by ColoradoAvalancheCares · Filed Under Parenting
    

 

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