Sports Parents: 6 Ways You're Doing It Wrong

By: Dr. Rob Bell
From: http://us2.campaign-archive1.com/?u=10cf69f91472821bb9b20a006&id=5611e9232d&e=9c8cc3d703

I love my kids more than anything. So, I get it, how they perform is important to me. But their performance is not a reflection of my parenting, just a shadow. The most important mental skill of  athletes reaching their full potential is passion- the love for their sport! Each of the following is related to nurturing their passion, not the parents. Here is 6 ways that sport parents are doing it wrong. 
 

1. Wanting it more than them- I get calls every single week from parents wanting our mental coaching for their son/daughter. I have to screen each parent, and one question I ask them, “Is this something your child wants?”  Whatever the situation they have to want it, period.  No matter the sport, the best athletes have that passion. They don’t have to be asked to work at it, because they love it. 

2. Not allowing them to fail- Losing hurts and it should hurt. The pain eventually subsides, but if we remove the failure, setbacks, and allowing them ownership of their mistakes, than we actually cheapen the joy of winning. How can we truly appreciate winning and improvement if we have never lost? The safety net for children has become dangerously close to actually touching them. They know mom or dad will take care of it… Example: “I forgot my glove, my gatorade, jersey, goggles, putter, etc, Mom and dad will pick it up for me.”

3. Traveling too early- It’s the gateway drug to specialization. Anything before late middle school is too early. A few travel tournaments or matches here and there is great, its fun! But even for young kids, the trips have become every single weekend. Here’s the danger, it becomes expensive and once they start traveling, it’s too easy to buy the idea that they now have to pick a sport and stay with it. Specialization isn’t all that either because the specific movements with different sports actually transfer. Jumping, running, throwing, all transfer across sports! Playing a variety of sports achieves that goal of skill development. Plus, each sport offers a unique advantage, competitiveness. When they learn to compete in many different sports, they will eventually transfer that skill of competitiveness to their favorite!

 4. Not emphasize & reward effort- Effort is everything. But, if we only emphasize the outcome, athletes will learn and internalize “all that matters is winning.”  Players that are good will win early and often, until they no longer win. If parents only emphasize rankings, final scores, and talent, then taking risks, addressing weaknesses, and competing become afterthoughts. At some point, they are no longer the best, and they can become stuck in limbo between past expectations and low confidence. Question: shouldn’t the best 12-year old in the nation almost always be one the best 18-year olds? Rarely happens because winning and outward appearance was rewarded instead.

5. Blame coach, system, or refs- I was sitting next to a parent of a future DI basketball player whose brother had made it to the NBA. This parent was miserable and every single play or refs call that did not go his son’s way, was heard by everyone including his son. I cried on the inside, because there is no way that this kid was happy either. A little league coach once told me when he knew parents were talking about him because the kids would no longer look him in the eye. Sad…It’s about progress not perfection. It’s not your role to call or blame coach about playing time, change coaches or schools, or get a lesson every time they play bad. 

6. Over-communicating with them- There are good opportunities to talk about their performance and not good ones. During the game is NOT the appropriate time. However, all the time, parents are communicating with their son/daughter. Body language doesn’t talk, it screams, and they can see your negative behavior. Also, the stands can be packed with hundreds or thousands of screaming people, and the ONE voice they will recognize is yours! Why are you trying to coach them during their performance? 

I get it, no one has an ugly child, but if he/she becomes great, then they will get noticed. Really want to be a good sport parent? Just tell them, “I love watching you play.”

Psychological and Social Benefits of Playing True Sport

Article Posted @ http://truesport.org
Content excerpt from the TrueSport Report.


A growing body of research literature finds that in addition to improved physical health, sport plays a primarily positive role in youth development, including improved academic achievement, higher self-esteem, fewer behavioral problems, and better psychosocial.^29,30 Many studies focus on the effects of sport on the five “C’s”—competence, confidence, connections, character, and caring—which are considered critical components of positive youth development.^31,32 It has long been thought that the many facets of playing sport—the discipline of training, learning teamwork, following the leadership of coaches and captains, learning to lose—provide lifelong skills for athletes.

Sports do not build character. They reveal it. John Wooden, Legendary UCLA Basketball Coach

The literature on youth sport stresses the positive effects of participation in learning the important life skills of goal setting and time management combined with enjoyment; the development of a strong sense of morality; and the development of an appreciation of diversity.³³ Longitudinal studies have shown that children and youth participating in sport, when compared to peers who do not play sport, exhibit:

• higher grades, expectations, and attainment;³⁴
• greater personal confidence and self-esteem;
• greater connections with school— that is, greater attachment and support from adults;
• stronger peer relationships;
• more academically oriented friends;
• greater family attachment and more frequent interactions with parents;
• more restraint in avoiding risky behavior; and
• greater involvement in volunteer work (see Linver et al.³⁵ for a summary).

These outcomes are thought to be related to the contribution of sport to learning values and skills associated with initiative, social cohesion, self-control, persistence, and responsibility.36 Theories of positive youth development stress the importance of sport in acquiring skills that are beneficial in other domains (e.g., school, family, work) that lead to better adaptive skills.³⁷

People who work together will win, whether it be against complex football defenses, or the problems of modern society. Vince Lombardi, American Football Coach

Sport provides opportunities for children and youth to engage in valuable and positive relationships with adults, which is especially important when such benefits are not available at home. Thus, it is a missed opportunity for children who are “gated”—or not included in sport—during early stages of childhood because they are less well behaved than other children. These children are being prevented from participating in the very thing that could help them learn to control and regulate their behavior.3⁸ Sport provides an opportunity for children to safely navigate and negotiate between right and wrong as they learn to interact with peers and adults.³⁹ Research by Taliaferro et al.⁴⁰ suggests that playing sport can even protect against suicide risk in youth. Compared to nonathletes, male athletes exhibit lower levels of hopelessness and suicidal ideation. Young males involved in multiple sports seem to garner even more protection in this regard. Similar results were found for girls. Research on the role of exercise in adults confirms that it improves mood and alleviates many forms of depression.⁴¹ Bartko and Eccles⁴² found that youth who are highly involved in sport are more “psychologically resilient,” that is, better able to recover from problems. Eccles et al.⁴³ found that sport participation protects young athletes against social isolation.

Taliaferro et al.⁴⁰ propose that youth who play sport have higher levels of social support, which provides higher levels of resilience. Becoming a member of a community that includes teammates, coaches, family, and the greater community provides “fertile ground for adolescent self-esteem development because teams provide opportunities for youth to engage with adults and peers to achieve collective goals” (p. 545).⁴⁰ In addition, physical activity enhances one’s self-perceptions of body, competence, and self-worth.^44,45 The assumed association between playing sport and improved psychological and behavioral outcomes (or character) is at times challenged, despite the overwhelming directionality of the positive associations. Skeptics also say that many studies have failed to examine whether athletes had specific character traits before playing sport. Moreover, many studies do not account for variations in sport participation by level of competition, type of sport played, and other contextual factors. Linver et al.³⁵ caution that participating in other types of nonsport activities also can produce many of these benefits— for example, the performing arts, school clubs, and other prosocial activities. However, sport participation stands out over other activities as a confidence builder, showing a consistent advantage in building self-esteem and improved psychological functioning.⁴⁶ This is particularly true during the later adolescent years (around 11th grade).⁴² Hansen et al.4⁷ found that youth who play sport reported higher rates of self-knowledge, managing emotions, and physical skills compared to peers in academic and leadership activities.

 

Playing Sport Leads to Improved Academic Performance

 

I figure practice puts your brains in your muscles. Sam Snead, Professional Golfer

Numerous studies have demonstrated the positive effects of playing sport on academic achievement, in large part because of the positive influence of identity formation and emotional development. So, to flip Sam Snead’s perspective, practice figuratively puts muscles in your brain.
Data show that high school students who play sport are less likely to drop out.⁴⁸ Participation in sport also has been associated with completing more years of education⁴⁹ and consistently higher grades in school.⁵⁰

CDC²⁰ synthesized and analyzed the scientific literature on the association between school-based physical activity and academic performance and found that the majority of the studies found positive associations. CDC’s report notes, “There is a growing body of research focused on the association between school-based physical activity, including physical education, and academic performance among school-aged youth” suggesting that such activity “may have an impact on academic performance through a variety of direct and indirect physiological, cognitive, emotional, and learning mechanisms” (p. 5).²⁰ Similarly, research aimed at discovering whether sport participation can detract from academic performance found that participation in interscholastic sport and other team or individual sport, as well as other after-school physical activity programs, does not have a detrimental impact on students’ academic performance.

Research has shown that physical movement can affect the brain’s physiology by increasing cerebral capillary growth, blood flow, oxygenation, production of neurotrophins, growth of nerve cells in the hippocampus, neurotransmitter levels, development of nerve connections, density of neural network, and brain tissue volume. These changes may be associated with improved attention; improved information processing, storage, and retrieval; enhanced coping; enhanced positive affect; and reduced sensations of cravings and pain.20 Linder’s51 research suggests that increased energy levels and time outside of the classroom—both byproducts of playing sport—may give relief from boredom, resulting in higher attention levels during classroom time. Research by the Canadian Fitness and Lifestyle Research Institute52 has shown that physical exercise causes short-term relaxation, accompanied by improved concentration, enhanced creativity and memory, improved mood, and enhanced problem-solving abilities.

Believe me, the reward is not so great without the struggle. Wilma Rudolph, Track and Field Olympic Gold Medalist

 

Physical and Psychological Benefits of Sport for Girls

 

As described above, sport participation conveys myriad psychological, physiological, and sociological benefits. In recent years, research has begun to explore the particular benefits of sport for girls and young women, who are increasingly playing more sport at all levels. Studies are beginning to tease apart the issues that contribute to girls electing to play, factors that keep them playing, and reasons for their dropping out.

A 2007 study found that women who played sport in high school were 73 percent more likely to earn a college degree within six years of graduating high school than those who did not play sport.⁵³ This advantage held up even for students facing socioeconomic challenges to graduating college.
Playing sport also conveys other beneficial outcomes: Girls and young women engaged in sport are less likely to be overweight or obese, depressed, smoke, use illicit drugs, or have unwanted teen pregnancies. This may possibly be related to the goal of maximizing athletic performance or the goal of protecting sport eligibility or scholarships.¹⁶ Suicide and sexual victimization also is lower in girls and young women engaged in sport.

Sports psychology research has shown that girls gain confidence and self-esteem through participation in sport and physical activity. A positive team sport experience may mediate the risks of low social acceptance and dissatisfaction with one’s body. Determining the relationship between selfconcept and sport participation is complicated by the measurement models used across studies, but greater participation in sport has been found to be relational to greater emotional and behavioral wellbeing. Donaldson and Ronan’s38 findings suggest that for girls the psychological benefits of participation are not related to the level of competence but rather to the act of participating.
Sport participation also may meet the developmental needs of adolescent girls, including having a sense of belonging, a sense of mastery over one’s body, the experience of generosity, and the sensation of mattering.⁵⁴ Life skills such as persistence, teamwork, goal setting, leadership, and character development may transfer from sport to academics, family life, and the work setting. Sport involvement, in addition to making college attendance more likely, correlates with greater levels of overall extracurricular and community involvement. This is true for both boys and girls.
Peer and parental support also influence girls’ enjoyment and learning of sport.55 Girls develop important social relationships through the physical activity of sport, both with their teammates and with their adult physical activity leaders, but girls may suffer negative psychological consequences if their developmental needs for feedback and encouragement are not considered by instructors or coaches.

 

Sport as an Agent for Social Change

 

Some research has shown that sport contributes to the development of social capital.
Longitudinal studies, such as the National Longitudinal Survey of Youth, have found that men at age 32 who played high school sport were paid 31 percent higher wages than men who had not played sport. The National Longitudinal Study of the High School Class of 1972 found that men at age 31 who played high school sport were paid 12 percent higher wages than those who did not.⁵⁶ Of course, there could be other explanations for these findings. Barron et al.⁵⁶ suggest that higher-ability individuals or individuals with lower preferences for leisure are more likely to play sport. These same people are then also more likely to seek higher achievement in the workforce. Athletic competition might serve as an excellent training activity for individuals who are already highly motivated to succeed.

Research has shown that the longer youth play sport, the greater attachment they have to their community, according to a series of measures. Studies using data from the University of Maryland’s National Youth Survey of Civil Engagement show that sport participants, compared to those who do not participate in sport, are more likely to register to vote (66 percent versus 44 percent) and to follow the news (41 percent versus 27 percent).⁵⁷

Studies by Eccles and Barber⁵⁰ show that youth sport participation is positively related to adult involvement in community activities that can last a lifetime. Youth who participate in sport are more likely to make friends, including those of different races.58 Young athletes are better able to acquire emotional control, learn the value of teamwork, and exhibit initiative,59 all social skills that can contribute to a better community. However, with many of these findings, the associations could be correlative rather than causal, because youth who choose to be highly engaged in sport also may chose to be highly engaged in other community activities.

There is no question that providing opportunities for youth to play sport provides community benefit—if for no other reason than idle time can be filled with activities that are healthy and positive. For example, when Phoenix, Arizona, basketball courts and other recreational facilities were kept open until 2 a.m. during summer hours, juvenile crime dropped 55 percent.6⁰ Similarly, crime rates dropped by 24 percent after late night recreation programs were started in Cincinnati, Ohio.⁶¹
Finally, Jamieson and Ross⁶² suggest that sport can even serve as a useful intervention in international peace-building activities. Organized sport efforts in the Middle East have provided youth with positive and constructive experiences, creating peaceful and productive relations with neighbors. “Youth and youth sport leaders play vital roles in transforming dangerous and violent conflict situations associated with terrorism across the world” (p. 28).⁶²

 

Sport Alone Does Not Build Character—Context and Environment Matter

 

The benefits of sport do not necessarily always accrue. Positive outcomes are more likely to occur when a sport program emphasizes mastery, includes positive adult behaviors and supervision, and focuses on personal skills.⁶³

In fact, some studies have found that young athletes in some sports are more likely to be involved in risky behaviors— such as alcohol use—than those who do not participate in sport.46,64,65 Research also has found that in addition to physical injury, sport can create stress and anxiety and even promote heightened aggressiveness. 59 These outcomes can be shaped by the nature of the athlete’s experience—for example, the attitudes and behaviors of coaches, teammates, and parents. Research by Zarrett et al.36 highlights the importance of not only the quantity of participation, but also the quality of the experience.

Several researchers have found that some male youth who are highly engaged in sport actually engage in more delinquent behaviors, such as lying and substance use, compared to youth who are more involved in school-based clubs and school work and youth who are involved in multiple, diverse activities.⁴² For example, well-known studies by Barber et al.,⁴⁹ Eccles et al.,⁴³ and others have found that student athletes reported drinking more frequently than nonathletes.

Rutten et al.⁶⁶ tried to understand the possible reasons for and consequences of these findings. They investigated the contribution of organized youth sport to antisocial and prosocial behavior in adolescent athletes and found that “coaches who maintain good relationships with their athletes reduce antisocial behavior, and that exposure to relatively high levels of sociomoral reasoning within the immediate context of sporting activities promotes prosocial behavior” (p. 263). Thus, high-quality coach-athlete relationships can protect against antisocial behavior.

Gardner et al.⁶⁷ also tried to understand the complexities of context and the relationship between an apparent association between sport participation and juvenile delinquency. They found that previous studies had compared behavior of athletes against behavior of students who participate in other nonsport activities (e.g., school clubs, theater). In those comparisons, athletes are more likely to exhibit delinquency than students in nonsport activities, but still less so than youth not involved in any activities.

Gardner’s review of the literature found that several factors mediate the apparent delinquent behavior of athletes, including peer pressure, urban setting, opportunities for unstructured socializing, and prior problems—particularly during childhood. Thus, as in all aspects of adolescent and teen development, the complexity and diversity of context plays an important role. Gardner concluded that participation in organized sport neither protects against delinquency nor increases its risks. However, the social stature gained by participation in certain sports can result in more social opportunities that can lead to problem behaviors (e.g., drinking).

There is also research suggesting that certain sports can influence a tendency toward delinquency (e.g., contact, team) and that the nature of the sport in which a high school athlete participates may have more influence on violent and delinquent behaviors outside of sport than any other variable.⁶⁸ For example, students who play in the more highly publicized and physically aggressive sports are more likely to be involved in antisocial acts off the field or court than athletes in other sports.⁶⁹
Thus, playing sport does not automatically build character. Hodge⁷⁰ argues that character must be “taught” not “caught.” When fair play and sportsmanship are part of the game, character can be enhanced. And when sport is played in a caring environment, social, emotional, and psychological benefits for youth are enhanced.⁷¹ Many factors influence a young person’s experience in sport, such as the training of the coach; the support that the young person receives from that coach, family members, and peers to participate in that sport; and perhaps even the type and competitive level of sport being played. Researchers also suggest that the competitive nature of youth sport is a key factor that drives both the positive and negative effects of participation.

 

Optimizing the Potential Benefits of True Sport

 

The Sport in America research found that, overall, sport is delivering on what most parents expect their child will learn, particularly the values deemed most important by the majority of parents— having fun and doing your best. Indeed, nearly all parents who hoped that sport would teach their children to have fun also say this expectation has been exceeded or met (Figure 1).
However, the Sport in America data indicate that, despite their children’s relatively strong engagement in sport, adults perceive sport generally as having limited positive influence on youth today (Figure 2). Those adults who are personally engaged in sport-related activities or who work directly with children perceive sport as having relatively greater positive influence. Respondents were asked to rank the actual and potential influence of eight factors, including sport, on today’s youth. Although this survey ranks sport ahead of only music and social networking sites in terms of its potential positive influence, general population adults perceive sport as having less actual positive influence on youth than all elements listed, including parents/family, friends/peers, and school.
Despite the perception that sport has a relatively soft influence on youth, adults recognize many positive benefits of sport to society. Four out of five adults agree that sport provides a source of fun and enjoyment and can reduce youth crime and delinquency—and that losing in sport can teach valuable life lessons. However, almost two-thirds of adults also agree that sport overemphasizes the importance of winning, a belief most strongly felt by older adults (ages 45 to 64) who are significantly more likely than adults overall to agree that sport overemphasizes winning.

Content excerpt from the TrueSport Report. Download the full TrueSport Report (PDF)

Six Words You Should Say Today

Abridged (Swimgym)
Posted on April 16, 2012 by Rachel Macy Stafford
 
Very rarely does one sentence have immediate impact on me.



Very rarely does one sentence change the way I interact with my family.

But this one did. It was not from Henry Thoreau or some renowned child psychologist. It was a comment from kids themselves. And if I’ve learned anything on this “Hands Free” journey, it is that children are the true experts when it comes to “grasping what really matters.”

Here are the words that changed it all:


“… College athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response: ‘I love to watch you play.’”

The life-changing sentence came at the beginning of an article entitled, “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” Although I finished reading the entire piece, my eyes went back and searched for that one particular sentence; the one that said, “I love to watch you play.”

I read it exactly five times. And then I attempted to remember all past verbal interactions I had with my kids at the conclusion of their extracurricular activities.

Upon completion of a swim meet, a music recital, a school musical, or even a Sunday afternoon soccer game, had I ever said, “I like to watch you play”?

I could think of many occasions when I encouraged, guided, complimented, and provided suggestions for improvement. Did that make me a nightmare sports parent? No, but maybe sometimes I said more than was needed.

By nature, I am a wordy person—wordy on phone messages (often getting cut off by that intrusive beep) and wordy in writing (Twitter is not my friend).
 
And although I have never really thought about, I’m pretty sure I’m wordy in my praise, too. I try not to criticize, but when I go into extensive detail about my child’s performance it could be misinterpreted as not being “good enough.”

Could I really just say “I love to watch you play” and leave it at that? And if I did, would my children stand there cluelessly at the next sporting event or musical performance because I had failed to provide all the “extra details” the time before?

Well, I would soon find out. As luck would have it, my 8 year old had a swim meet the day after I read the article.

Her first event was the 25 yard freestyle. At the sound of the buzzer, my daughter exploded off the blocks and effortlessly streamlined beneath the water for an unimaginable amount of time. Her sturdy arms, acting as propellers, emerged from the water driving her body forward at lightning speed. She hadn’t even made it halfway down the lane when I reached up to wipe away one small tear that formed in the corner of my eye.

Since my oldest daughter began swimming competitively two years ago, I have ALWAYS had this same reaction to her first strokes in the first heat. I cry and turn away so no one sees my blubbering reaction.

I cry not because she’s going to come in first. I cry not because she’s a future Olympian or scholarship recipient. I cry because she’s healthy; she’s strong; she’s capable. And I cry because I love to watch her swim.

Oh my. Those six words …

I love to watch her swim.

I had always FELT that way—tearing up at every meet, but I hadn’t said it in so many words … or should I say, in so few words.

After the meet, my daughter and I stood in the locker room together, just the two of us. I wrapped a warm, dry towel around her shivering shoulders. And then I looked into her eyes and said, “I love to watch you swim. You glide so gracefully; you amaze me. I just love to watch you swim.”

Okay, so it wasn’t quite six words, but it was a huge reduction in what I normally would have said. And there was a reaction—a new reaction to my end of the meet “pep talk.”

My daughter slowly leaned into me, resting her damp head against my chest for several seconds, and expelled a heavy sigh. And in doing so, I swear I could read her mind:

The pressure’s off. She just loves to watch me swim; that is all.

I knew I was onto something.

Several days later, my 5 year old daughter had ukulele practice. It was a big day for her. The colored dots that lined the neck of her instrument since she started playing almost two years ago, were going to be removed. Her instructor believed she was ready to play without the aid of the stickers.

After removing the small blue, yellow, and red circles, her instructor asked her to play the song she has been working on for months, Taylor Swift’s “Ours.”

With no hesitation, my daughter began strumming and singing. I watched as her fingers adeptly found their homes—no need for colorful stickers to guide them.

With a confident smile, my daughter belted out her favorite line, “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind; people throw rocks at things that shine …”

As her small, agile fingers maneuvered the strings with ease, I had to look away. My vision became blurred by the tears that formed. In fact, this emotional reaction happens every time she gets to that line of the song. Every. Single. Time.

I cry not because she has perfect pitch. I cry not because she is a country music star in the making. I cry because she is happy; she has a voice; and she is free. And I cry because I love to watch her play.

I’ll be damned if I hadn’t told her this in so many words … or rather, in so few words.

My child and I exited the room upon the completion of her lesson. As we walked down the empty hallway, I knew what needed to be said.

I bent down, looking straight into the blue eyes sheltered behind pink spectacles and said, “I love to watch you play your ukulele. I love to hear you sing.”

It went against my grain to not elaborate, but I said nothing about the dots, nothing about the notes, and nothing about her pitch. This was a time to simply leave it at that.

My child’s face broke into her most glorious smile—the one that causes her eyes to scrunch up and become little slices of joy. And then she did something I didn’t expect. She threw herself against me, wrapped her arms tightly around my neck, and whispered, “Thank you, Mama.”

And in doing so, I swear I could read her mind:
 
The pressure’s off. She loves to hear me play; that is all.

Given the overwhelmingly positive reactions of my daughters when presented with the short and sweet “I love to watch you play” remark, I knew I had a new mantra. Not that I would say it like a robot upon command or without reason, but I would say it when I FELT it—when tears come unexpectedly to my eyes or when suddenly I look down and see goosebumps on my arms.

I now know how important it is to say it—say it simply—in moments when I feel that heart palpitating kind of love that comes solely from watching another human being who I adore.

Now at this point, I could wrap up this story with a nice, tidy, Kleenex-required ending, but living “Hands Free” means taking it a step further, going outside the comfort zone.

And it struck me that there is one other person to which this new mantra could apply. It hit me when this person, donned with white bandage on his arm from giving blood, was hoisting a large trashbag as we cleaned the art room at a center for residents with autism.

I watched him, my husband, from the corner of the room where I was dusting shelves with my youngest child. Embarrassingly, I had to turn away so no one saw me tear up. In that moment, I reflected on other recent events where I had been going about my business and had to stop to take pause. Moments when I stopped to watch my husband in action simply to admire the loving person, the devoted husband, and caring father he is.

But had I ever told him in so few words?

It was time.

And since writing is much easier for me than speaking, I wrote my observations down. There were no long-winded paragraphs or flowery descriptions, just words of love, plain and simple:

I love watching you help our daughter learn to roller skate. I love watching you teach her how to throw the football. I love watching you help your employees in times of need or uncertainty. I love watching you interact with your brother and sister. I love watching you read side by side with our daughters. I love watching you laugh. I love watching you love our family.

I typed up his note and plan to give it to him when we have a quiet moment together this weekend. I don’t know what his reaction will be, but it doesn’t matter. I feel these things, so I should say these things.

When simply watching someone makes your heart feel as if it could explode right out of your chest, you really should let that person know.

It is as simple and lovely as that.

Instilling The Qualities In Overcoming Adversity

Taken From: Instilling the Qualities in Overcoming Adversity

Written By: BJ Foster

Posted On: http://www.allprodad.com/articles/more-great-articles/instilling-the-qualities-in-overcoming-adversity/

These 7 characteristics are commonly found in people that have overcome tremendous adversity. It is important to instill these in our children to prepare them to triumph when trouble rears its head.

A Powerful Inner Drive.

I don’t know if this can actually be instilled, but rather found. This comes from passion. Everyone has something that lights their fire. Help your kids find what gets them excited and encourage those desires.

Faith and Hope.

Model a spirit of optimism and confidence in their future. They are going do what you do. Teach them the beauty of things not coming easily and the opportunity that comes in challenging times. Praise them when they overcome difficulty no matter how small.

Ability to Visualize the Goal.

Teach them to keep their eyes on the prize. They need to learn how to picture the end goal. This takes a level of focus and creativity. Help develop those skills in your child.

Resilience and Tolerance of Pain.

Endurance for pain is built through experience. Don’t shield them from life’s difficulties. Instead, help them respond well when difficulties come.

Lack of Self Pity.

Having self-pity will make it difficult for them to accept the situation and move forward. Balance the amount of attention you give when they experience pain. Choose times where you back off and let them work through the situation. Pay close attention to when they are overly dramatic and give them proper perspective.

Self-Discipline.

Teach them how to delay their gratification. Gauge their present ability with the marshmallow test. Make them earn money by doing chores. Give your kids daily responsibilities to manage.

Commitment.

Teach them to keep their promises and hold them accountable when they don’t. Help them weigh through the consequences when they are contemplating quitting.

On Praising Your Children

Posted at: http://www.usaswimming.org/ViewNewsArticle.aspx?TabId=2208&itemid=3978&mid=11881

Posted on: 9/15/2012

How often do you think about the amount of and type of praise you offer your child?  The wrong kind of praise, or praise used too frequently or infrequently can cause difficulties.  Sometimes we think that it is not possible to over praise a child because constant praise will build a child's self esteem.  However, there is a real world for the child outside of the home and a child's peers may not always be as praise giving as his or her parents.  Other children are usually quite truthful and blunt about the feats of their peers.  A child constantly praised at home may feel himself placed on a pedestal only to be knocked off outside the home.   

In a article in "Parents Magazine", educational consultant Fredelle Maynard listed the dos and don'ts of praise.  First the don'ts:

• Don't praise by comparison ("You're the best athlete on the team").  It may encourage unnecessary competition or fear of failing next time.
• Don't praise constantly.  If everything a child does is terrific, wonderful, the best, you will run out of superlatives and the child will become blase about applause.
• Don't praise indiscriminately.  Children who are veteran competitors know when a performance is good or bad.  Parental ecstasies over mediocre performance can either make children cynical or cause them to feel like frauds.
• Don't praise so extravagantly that children feel pressure to go on shining.  Over enthusiastic applause destroys a good motive for activity (to please oneself) and substitutes a poor one (to please parents).
• Don't use sarcastic or "backhanded" praise.  "Well, you did all flip turns for a change."  "You didn’t false start. I can't believe it."

The best praise to use is encouragement.  Encouragement helps build a child's confidence and autonomy while praise can be more manipulative, emphasizing what the adult wants. 

Encouragement allows kid to "own" their accomplishments and to find within themselves the strength and desire to do their best.  The following are Maynard's dos:

• Do be specific.  Instead of using words that evaluate ("What a great race"), describe in concrete terms what you see:  "You kept your technique during that race.”
• Do describe the behavior and its consequences.  For example, "Thanks for getting dressed and out of the locker room so quickly.  Now we have more time to go shopping for the new equipment you need."
• Do focus on the child's effort, not the product.  "You practiced hard for this meet and it really paid off."
• Do point out how your child has progressed.  "You couldn't have done that last year!"
• Do give control back to the child.  Let the child do the evaluating.  Rather than say, "I'm so proud of you," say, "You must feel so proud of yourself.”  Instead of "I like the way you helped that relay," try, "You were able to help that relay."

Adapted from “News for Swim Parents.”  Published by the American Swimming Coaches Association. Used with permission.

HOW SIGNIFICANT IS LONG COURSE COMPETITION TO ATHLETE SUCCESS?

POSTED 7/1/2013 ON WWW.USASWIMMING.ORG
BY DAN MCCARTHY//HIGH PERFORMANCE CONSULTANT
 
Many programs across the United States have regularly placed athletes on the National Team and the National Junior Team despite having little or no access to long course training facilities for most of or all of the year. Unlimited access to long course training does not seem to be a significant hurdle to national-level success. However, is the number of events an athlete races long course important for success? In other words, do athletes who race long course the most have an advantage over those who race less long course?

We randomly investigated 12 events from the 2012 US Olympic Trials. For the women, we looked at the Final heat of the 50 Free, 100 Free, 100 Back, 100 Breast, 100 Fly and 400 IM. For the men, we looked at the Final heat of the 50 Free, 400 Free 100 Back, 100 Breast, 100 Fly and 200 Fly. The number of times each athlete swam the event long course between January 1, 2010 and June 24, 2012 was counted and the average number of races was determined for each event.

There were many variables between the events making it hard to compare the results to each other. For example, on average the men in the 100 back final swam the event almost 38 times each, but the women in the 400 IM only swam their race about 17 times each. Instead, we looked at what athletes swam their event the most and the least and if they finished in the top four or the bottom four of the final race. Additionally, we also looked at those who earned an Olympic spot on the team and how often they were an athlete that swam the event the most or the least.

• In 10 of the 12 events, the athlete who swam the most races finished in the top four of finals
• In 8 of the 12 events, the athlete who swam the fewest races finished in the bottom four of finals
• In 10 of the 12 events, the athlete who swam the most races earned a spot on the US Olympic Team
• In 3 of the 12 events, the athlete that swam the fewest races earned a spot on the US Olympic Team

It is interesting to note the three athletes who swam the fewest races during the investigated time period and made the team were very experienced National Team athletes: Allison Schmitt in the 100 Free, Anthony Ervin in the 50 Free and Brendan Hansen in the 100 Breast. There does not appear to be any advantage to having swam fewer races and having no experience.

It will be interesting to see if the trend of swimming a specific race more often continues to suggest a more successful outcome at the Olympic Trials. Some of the additional tangents we will look at:

• How did finalists compare to semi-finalists, or those who finished ninth through sixteenth?
• How did collegiate athletes fare compared to the professional and high school athletes?
• How explainable are the instances when an athlete with the fewest swims makes the US Olympic Team? 
• Do those athletes share anything in common?

Nine Ways to Be a Great Team Member

By Jon Gordon, Author, Motivational Speaker
www.usaswimming.org

While watching the Oscars I noticed that almost every award winner said they couldn’t have done it without their team, family, and the support of others. The fact is no one achieves success alone. We all need a great team to accomplish great things. We are at our best when we are surrounded by those who want the best for us and when we are bringing out the best in others. In this spirit I want to share 9 ways to be a great team member.

1. Set the Example – Instead of worrying about the lack of performance, productivity and commitment of others you simply decide to set the example and show your team members what hard work, passion and commitment looks like. Focus on being your best every day. When you do this you’ll raise the standards and performance of everyone around you.

2. Use Your Strengths to Help the Team – The most powerful way you can contribute to your team is to use your gifts and talents to contribute to the team’s vision and goals. Without your effort, focus, talent and growth the team won’t accomplish its mission. This means you have an obligation to improve so you can improve your team. You are meant to develop your strengths to make a stronger team. Be selfish by developing you and unselfish by making sure your strengths serve the team.

3. Share Positive Contagious Energy – Research shows emotions are contagious and each day you are infecting your team with either positive energy or negative energy. You can be a germ or a big dose a Vitamin C. When you share positive energy you infectiously enhance the mood, morale and performance of your team. Remember, negativity is toxic. Energy Vampires sabotage teams and complaining is like vomiting. Afterwards you feel better but everyone around you feels sick.

4. Know and Live the Magic Ratio – High performing teams have more positive interactions than negative interactions. 3:1 is the ratio to remember. Teams that experience interactions at a ratio equal or greater than 3:1 are more productive and higher performing than those with a ratio of less than 3:1. Teams that have a ratio of 2:1, 1:1 or more negative interactions than positive interactions become stagnant and unproductive. This means you can be a great team member by being a 3 to 1’er. Create more positive interactions. Praise more. Encourage more. Appreciate more. Smile more. High-five more. Recognize more. Energize more. Read more about this at www.FeedthePositiveDog.com

5. Put the Team First – Great team players always put the team first. They work hard for the team. They develop themselves for the team. They serve the team. Their motto is whatever it takes to make the team better. They don’t take credit. They give credit to the team. To be a great team member your ego must be subservient to the mission and purpose of the team. It’s a challenge to keep our ego in check. It’s something most of us struggle with because we have our own goals and desires. But if we monitor our ego and put the team first we’ll make the team better and our servant approach will make us better.

6. Build Relationships – Relationships are the foundation upon which winning teams are built and great team members take the time to connect, communicate and care to build strong bonds and relationships with all their team members. You can be the smartest person in the room but if you don’t connect with others you will fail as a team member. (Tweet This) It’s important to take the time to get to know your team members. Listen to them. Eat with them. Learn about them. Know what inspires them and show them you care about them.

7. Trust and Be Trusted - You can’t have a strong team without strong relationships. And you can’t have strong relationships without trust. Great team members trust their teammates and most of all their team members trust them. Trust is earned through integrity, consistency, honesty, transparency, vulnerability and dependability. If you can’t be trusted you can’t be a great team member. Trust is everything.

8. Hold Them Accountable – Sometimes our team members fall short of the team’s expectations. Sometimes they make mistakes. Sometimes they need a little tough love. Great team members hold each other accountable. They push, challenge and stretch each other to be their best. Don’t be afraid to hold your team members accountable. But remember to be effective you must built trust and a relationship with your team members. If they know you care about them, they will allow you to challenge them and hold them accountable. Tough love works when love comes first. Love tough.

9. Be Humble - Great team members are humble. They are willing to learn, improve and get better. They are open to their team member’s feedback and suggestions and don’t let their ego get in the way of their growth or the team’s growth. I learned the power of being humble in my marriage. My wife had some criticism for me one day and instead of being defensive and prideful, I simply said, "Make me better. I’m open. Tell me how I can improve." Saying this diffused the tension and the conversation was a game changer. If we’re not humble we won’t allow ourselves to be held accountable. We won’t grow. We won’t build strong relationships and we won’t put the team first. There’s tremendous power in humility that makes us and our team better.

In addition here are a few of my favorite sayings about being a great team member.

Your team doesn’t care if you are a superstar. They care if you are a super team member. (Tweet)

You have to work as hard to be a great teammate as you to do be a great player. (Tweet)

Many teams communicate but the great ones connect. Great teams form bonds of trust that strengthen relationships and the team. (Tweet)

What did I miss? What would you add to this list? I value your input and suggestions. Share your suggestions for being a great team member by leaving a comment below, or on Facebook, or Twitter.

-Jon Gordon ® Jon Gordon 2013